feature article
Subscribe Now

Internet Just a Big Hoax, Admits Google

In a surprise announcement at the company’s annual shareholder’s meeting, Google founders Sergey Brin and Larry Page admitted that “this whole Web thing is really kind of a scam. It’s just a way for us to sell ads.

“There’s no real content out there. It’s bogus. Google search isn’t ‘finding’ anything. It’s just a big honkin’ PHP script that generates content in response to search queries. You know how Drupal, Joomla, and those other content-management systems generate Web pages on the fly? It’s like that.

“And it perfectly complements our advertising business model: Any random wild-ass query always generates at least a few pages of ‘content’ that we can sell ads against. No matter what you’re looking for, we’ll supply an ad-supported result.

“That’s why Google finds stuff so fast: we make it up. You don’t think all those billions of Web pages are really out there, do you? There’s no way we could index the real thing. That’s nuts.

“We’re basically in the instant-gratification business. People type what they want into Google and we satisfy their search in under a second. There’s very little genuine content on the Web and most of it is boring anyway. That’s not good for business. So we created all the interesting stuff to get page hits.”

Script Kiddies

“At first, we were worried that our scripts wouldn’t generate very good content. We didn’t think people would be convinced. Turns out, nobody cares. Everybody kind of expects Web sites to be these crappy, badly formatted rants, so we’re golden.

“Early on, we had some problems. Remember LOLcats? That was a total screw-up on our part. Some intern had kludged together a few photos with a new text-generation script but somehow it went live. We thought, ‘holy crap, this will blow our cover for sure,’ because it was so spectacularly broken and obviously machine-generated. But people seemed to like it. So what the hell, we left it up.

“We made a ton of money off of that one.

“Our scripts have gotten a lot better since then. They still misspell stuff and generate a whole lot of bad grammar—and they’re crap at HTML formatting—but nobody seems too picky about it. You’d think people researching term papers or doing important market analysis would be more concerned about the source of their data, but apparently not.”

Brin admitted that not all content on the Web is auto-generated by Google scripts. “Yeah, some stuff out there is real. People really do shoot stupid videos and post them on YouTube—thanks for that, by the way. Most personal blogs are made by real people, too, but that’s about it. The rest is all us.

“Oh, and Fox News is for real. We couldn’t make that #$@!& up.

“Recently, we started employing some real human writers. We do it just like eHow.com, Demand Media, and companies like that. We see what people are searching for and tell our writers to whip up some content to match the search. We them pay a penny a word, just like the others. They don’t actually understand the topics they’re writing about, but that’s no big deal.

“Every summer we hire a bunch of liberal arts majors straight out of college. French lit, women’s studies, comparative religion… that kind of stuff. It’s either us or a burger joint. We take them off the streets and give ’em good jobs. You’re welcome.

“The biggest problem we face now is copyright infringement. Practically all Web content is ours; we created it. But we can’t assert our copyright because that would expose our whole scam. Bing, Yahoo, and other search engines do the same thing, but they’re lightweights. That’s why they often return different results for the same search: it’s just their script ‘finding’ different content. Some of their stuff is okay, but I think ours is better.”

What’s ahead for Google—and by implication, the entire Web? “The next step is to run the whole thing locally on the user’s PC. That’s why we created our own browser. The next version of Chrome will generate content itself so we don’t have to. Why should we invest millions of bucks in all these big servers? Users will love it because it will ‘find’ their ‘results’ faster, and we’ll be happier because we won’t have to deal with all the client/server traffic. Oh, and the ISPs love the idea because it gets all that traffic off their network. Everybody wins.”

Leave a Reply

featured blogs
Nov 30, 2023
No one wants to waste unnecessary time in the model creation phase when using a modeling software. Rather than expect users to spend time trawling for published data and tediously model equipment items one by one from scratch, modeling software tends to include pre-configured...
Nov 27, 2023
See how we're harnessing generative AI throughout our suite of EDA tools with Synopsys.AI Copilot, the world's first GenAI capability for chip design.The post Meet Synopsys.ai Copilot, Industry's First GenAI Capability for Chip Design appeared first on Chip Design....
Nov 6, 2023
Suffice it to say that everyone and everything in these images was shot in-camera underwater, and that the results truly are haunting....

featured video

Dramatically Improve PPA and Productivity with Generative AI

Sponsored by Cadence Design Systems

Discover how you can quickly optimize flows for many blocks concurrently and use that knowledge for your next design. The Cadence Cerebrus Intelligent Chip Explorer is a revolutionary, AI-driven, automated approach to chip design flow optimization. Block engineers specify the design goals, and generative AI features within Cadence Cerebrus Explorer will intelligently optimize the design to meet the power, performance, and area (PPA) goals in a completely automated way.

Click here for more information

featured paper

3D-IC Design Challenges and Requirements

Sponsored by Cadence Design Systems

While there is great interest in 3D-IC technology, it is still in its early phases. Standard definitions are lacking, the supply chain ecosystem is in flux, and design, analysis, verification, and test challenges need to be resolved. Read this paper to learn about design challenges, ecosystem requirements, and needed solutions. While various types of multi-die packages have been available for many years, this paper focuses on 3D integration and packaging of multiple stacked dies.

Click to read more

featured chalk talk

Littelfuse Protection IC (eFuse)
If you are working on an industrial, consumer, or telecom design, protection ICs can offer a variety of valuable benefits including reverse current protection, over temperature protection, short circuit protection, and a whole lot more. In this episode of Chalk Talk, Amelia Dalton and Pete Pytlik from Littelfuse explore the key features of protection ICs, how protection ICs compare to conventional discrete component solutions, and how you can take advantage of Littelfuse protection ICs in your next design.
May 8, 2023
26,504 views